Baxter, Reggie and the Bonz

We lost our sweet Baxter 14 months ago. He's sitting nicely on my plant shelf and I still tell him good-bye every morning. He was such a sweet gentle spirit and left us just like he lived, quiet, without fanfare, peaceful. He made sure we didn't have to make the decision no pet lover ever wants to make. He also left before it got too hot, he didn't like the heat, and he left in time for us to find out about a litter of puppies, Golden's just like him. We brought his little brother home from Parowan Labor Day weekend 2015, and there hasn't been a dull day since. We feel like since we lost Otis, Baxie's brother, so soon, (he was only 3 1/2) that we are getting the chance to raise him now. Reggie Mac is so much like Otis, his shape, his happy, waggy body, and his love of destroying every toy we buy him. We love this little guy. It's a good thing Rick and I both love dogs, our marriage would never survive if only one of us loved them. Justin also loves animals and especially Reggie Mac right now.

Drug/alcohol abuse

I am passionate about drug/alcohol abuse. I've seen first-hand the devastation it causes. I've seen a normal, functioning family become an addicted family. I've seen children get sucked into the sickness, even though they don't live at home anymore. I've seen grown men be silent about this disease, when they should be shouting from the roof tops and helping siblings overcome the terrible effects.

It is absolutely a family sickness. No one will step forward and confront the addicted person, they are too afraid of retribution if they do. They all turn a blind eye, when they know a call should be made to authorities about illegal activities being conducted.

One brother is gone due to the effects of alcoholism. He used to carry around a clear "water" bottle at deer camp, with his name on it, so the brothers wouldn't suspect what was really inside. The brothers never confronted him, but HE knew that THEY knew. He finally decided he had to quit, but by that time his body was beyond repair. He left behind 2 children and 2 grandchildren, and now has one more grandchild, a boy, named after his grandfathers.

The thing that I notice most about addictions is that the addicted person thinks everyone is against them. They do no wrong, everyone else picks on them. This gets worse as the addiction worsens. They justify what they do, and they truly believe that others don't see what they are doing. When in actuality we all know what goes on, but there again, I guess I'm even effected, no one does anything.

There have been cousins lost due to the same addictions. The tendency to become an alcoholic/drug abuser is inherited, not the actual disease. Some families are severely effected, with many family members suffering from the disease.

Over the years I've come to understand that I totally don't get the addiction (thank goodness), that I don't understand why the affected person can't quit. I'm just thankful that my personal, immediate experience ended many years ago. I'm thankful for a husband that is strong, who has good values and loves and cares for Justin and I.

I don't think our family addict will ever be healed, I'm afraid that he will end up spending time in prison, again. Sometimes I think this is the best solution, not just for him, but for his aging parents. His parents are the ones suffering the most because of his addiction. We are all affected by the actions of the addict, we all love him, we all worry about him. Most of all we all worry about his parents, about the possibility of abuse, the stress this places on his parents. We know that they are heart-sick, but don't know what to do that would help. This is truly a family addiction.

We had a snowy day today. It was beautiful.

Most of this post was written just before Christmas. I left it as a draft, and after visiting with Lori Fillerup about our moms today, I finished it and posted it. It may be pretty personal, but these are things that I want recorded so they don't fade with time.

December 2011
This time of year there are so many things to be grateful for. I'm so grateful for a strong, loving family. I have the best husband, son, brothers, brother's-in-law, sister's-in-law, mother and father-in-law. I am truly blessed.

I've been looking forward to Christmas a lot this year, which I think is kind of funny, considering I lost my little mom just 4 1/2 months ago. What a ride that has been. I'm looking forward to a family Christmas, with new traditions starting - a new beginning.

The day my little mom passed away I wrote on Facebook that August 1st would be a good day for a new beginning. I think Collette and I both felt the anxiousness surrounding mom that day, and I believe that we both knew that would be the day. It was a grand new beginning for my little mom, she was able to return to our loving Father in Heaven and "her Max" and Terry, along with countless other family members and friends.

It was also a new beginning for our family. Whatever would we do without her to hold us together? What would I do with my time after work when I would usually go to her house and help her shower or help her with dinner. What would I do without her to call and laugh with and complain to, she always took my side even if I was at fault. I knew that I would never have a champion like her on my side again. No one loves you like your mother.

There have been so many tender mercies this past year, that I almost hate to see the year end. I say "almost" because it's been a pretty tough year also. It's been a year of enlightening for me, coming to the realization that my little mom was still with me in the early part of the year, but she wasn't the little mom that I had had for so many years. She couldn't go shopping with me or really do much outside of her home. I so enjoyed our lunches and after work times together. I so fought her getting "old". I knew she was getting older, but it wasn't until near the end that I finally admitted to myself that she really was a little old lady.

She has always had so much grace and a vitality of life that everyone noticed about her. Her most endearing quality was her humility. She truly had no idea of how special she was to everyone, that made her even more loveable. Although sometimes it drove me nuts that she would belittle herself, her abilities, etc.

I think one of the reasons that I'm excited for Christmas is that she is with me and helping me through this hard time. Between her and my Heavenly Father, I am able to endure my days without her here with me. Because of losing her I think that I truly love my family more, I cherish my time with them. That's all I want for Christmas - family time and good food.

February 2, 2012
Shower time with little mom was the absolute best. At first I resented the time it took, but as I gave in to the love and need I felt from mom I came to love our time, truly alone together. We had such fun and laughed. I'd tell her to lift up the boobs so we could clean under them, she'd chuckle. She loved me to rub her with lotion and was always so happy to be clean and have her garments back on. This is the time I got hooked on Hempz lotion that Collette supplied her with.

I miss our times together, a lot. When I allow myself to think of her passing away, I can't believe that she's really gone. I don't remember when I first realized she was a "little, old lady". In my mind she's still active and fun and I'm bringing her lunch and calling "hello my little mom", and she's answering "hello my little Wendy". Great memories and very sad to not be making more with her.

Little Mom

I cancelled our little mom's phone service today. We've had the same number for over 50 years. Funny how sad this made me.

Okay Jill

Jill added a comment on my last post wondering where my resolve had gone. So now I'm feeling guilty that I haven't posted my progress. I haven't made the time to update much, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten that I trying to improve myself.

I'll do a good update this weekend, but for now I'll just say I don't think I've lost an ounce. That's a hard thing because I've been running 4 days a week for the past 3 weeks and a little less the week before that. I'm getting a good workout and I really thought I'd start to notice a difference by now, since I've been so not into workouts for quite a while. I'm running a 5k, 3.2 miles. I'll run for 2 miles, walk for about a quarter mile then run the rest. I'm not running fast, my best time for 5k has been 36 minutes. While that's not slacking, it's also not fast.

One thing I'm noticing is that I'm looking forward to working out, and I haven't felt that way for a long time. I have a conference in St. George next week so I'll try the outside thing for the first time this year. That's what I'm really looking forward to, outside running. I've been plotting a course in my area. Since moving into our new house in 2006, I've only run a 2 mile course. My first outside run in my area will be about 4 miles, and I'm sure I won't run the whole way, but I'm starting with a longer run so I will get used to that distance and progress from there. It's kind of fun to think of running in my "new" area. There are more options than in the Garden Park area. I used to run up Minersville Highway to the old turn on Hwy 91 and back, which was 5 miles round trip. My all-time favorite run was from the KB Express in Fiddlers Canyon, home to Garden Park. Rick would drop me off there on his way to work - I absolutely loved that run.

As you can see I'm pretty excited. Short post on steroids. More ramblings over the weekend.

Peace out! (for Megan)

Journal time

Okay, so here’s the deal.

I’ve had too many excuses for way too long. I’ve always loved working out alone, like running alone, etc. I’ve been pretty good in the past at holding myself accountable. All that’s changed over the years and I’m not very reliable anymore.

So, starting Monday, I’m going to keep an exercise journal. I know that’s not a new idea, only to me. I’m going to commit myself to daily exercise, eating more healthy (which in my case means less), and I’m going to track my feelings and emotions. I want to track how I feel emotionally and mentally when I’ve done what I should and also on the days I don’t do as well.

I am not weighing myself or measuring myself. I only really need to lose about 10 pounds and I’ll know when the inches start to come off. I will not discourage myself right at the beginning. I don’t want a picture of my in my old 2-piece swim suit. I MAY want a picture of me in that same swim suit after I feel better about myself, but then again I may not.

Over time I have become a little too comfortable with myself, I worry less about my weight than I used to. I guess it has a lot to do with getting older, you notice I said oldER not old. I want to be the best me I can be, for me, Rick and for Justin. I want to be healthy and live for many, many more years. I want to feel comfortable in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I want my “love handles” to get smaller, which means Rick can grab my butt instead. HAHAHA.

I’m posting this on my blog, which only Lindsay, Jill, Justin and Nikki read, not because I want them to hold me accountable, but because I need to finally step up and become reliable again – for me – for my health and maybe to get out of my comfort zone and run a race this year – sometime.

Jon is home

My cute friend Becca Hansen Denos got her traveling hubby home yesterday. He's been on tour in Afghanistan for some time.

Becca is amazing. She's been both mother and father to 4 adorable boys, moving them from San Diego to the SLC area and not back to the San Diego area. The boys were surprised yesterday when their daddy walked through the door at their new home. Becca has such strength, is an amazing wife and mother. So very happy for her and Jon and the boys.

You can read more here.

Happy hump-day

Nothing much to post about right now (I'm at work and shouldn't be posting anything). Just wanted to say that it is a happy day, for no obvious reason, but a happy day.

I went visiting teaching last night to 3 amazing women and I have THE best partner in the Ward. And since I have final say on the partnerships, mine won't be changing anytime soon.

Tonight I have night Relief Society where I WILL learn to dip chocolates and make a corsage. I will be taking my friend Robin and I'm looking forward to it.

Rick has a yucky cold. He doesn't have night meetings this week so he can stay in and get feeling better. He also has the next 2 days off work. I think he's feeling more at home at Smith's. He's amazed at how busy they are and it's hard to keep up, but all in all I think he's settling in.

Tomorrow night is my escape night. I have book club and I'm so excited. We read "Matched" by Ally Condie, a cute Cedar City girl. I really liked the book, it's similar to Hunger Games, but not as stressful. I love book club, they are my cute friends that I can be totally myself around, and I just love the fun, relaxed time we always have. I'm a lot older than them, but I don't mind and they don't seem to either. They are great examples to me and make me very happy.

Having lunch today at my cute little mom's house. She's not doing wonderful, but she's a young 89 and I'm learning every day to be ever so grateful for having her here with me still. She's such a trooper and I absolutely love her to pieces. I think I'll have a Subway (my favorite) and she's having some soup I made in the crock pot yesterday.

So - again - it's just a happy hump-day.

Ponderings and Ramblings

Be warned, this is a crazy long post.

I'm in a rambling mood today and need to write (or type) some stuff, record some feelings while they are fresh.

Fresh Market closed their doors on January 2, 2011, Rick's last day was the 30th of December. We are still young, only 57, but at this point in our lives I never thought we'd have to be concerned with career changes. Just before Fresh Market announced they were closing, Smith's Food Store let their meat department manager go. Smith's district manager approached Rick about working for them, quite a pat on the back in my opinion. He applied for the job and found out on the 8th of January that he had been hired. He was supposed to start on the 24th of January as the meat department manager.

During this time Rick was also approached by the 222nd, our local National Guard Unit, about the possibility of returning to Iraq for a second deployment. This is a tough one for Rick, or any other military man. I asked Rick to really ponder and pray about his decision. I knew if he followed his heart alone, he would end up back in Iraq.

Also during this time period, my little mom took a fall at home. I always call her on my way to work to check on her and check in. On December 30th she didn't answer, so I called again, came to work, called, worked a little, called again and finally went down. Mom uses oxygen at night, and her oxygen machine was the first sound I heard when I entered her house. I heard a small voice say "is that you honey"? I found her laying on the carpet between the bathroom and family room and she couldn't get up. She had been laying there for about 4 hours and was freezing. It breaks my heart even now to think of her laying there. After getting her up and getting her warmed up, we determined that she was okay, and didn't need to see the doctor. She even went to have her hair done that day.

She started feeling worse, like we figured she would, but even if ribs were broken the doctor wouldn't do anything and she hates to go to the doctor. On New Year's Day Rick and I stopped by to see her and her right eye was PURPLE. Then as the days passed, the whole right side of her face turned purple. She even had a bruise behind her right ear the shape of her ear. I can only imagine how hard she must have hit the wall when she fell. I thank my Heavenly Father EVERYDAY that I found her when I did and that she's okay, we so easily could have lost her that day. She now has a medical alert necklace so she can call for help when it's needed. She continues to improve, not as fast as I would like, but she's a trooper and keeps plugging along.

I know that her time is coming and my heart breaks to think of loosing her, but I will never ask her to stay or try to keep her here for selfish reasons. I know her life is in Heavenly Father's Hands, I'm happy for that, even though it's so hard to keep focused on the eternal perspective.

During this time I would have been a mess without Justin. He is always my steadying influence. He can calm me, help me see the bigger picture, remind me to turn it all over to our Heavenly Father. And he can do all this while worrying about his cute little grandma and being so sad thinking that his dad might end up in Iraq again. AND all this while working on his PhD. He's 1500 miles away from home, but so close in spirit and always in my heart.

So, Rick met with Smith's on the 24th and told them about the possibility of being deployed. They were less than impressed that they could hire him and lose him 4 months later. This was decision time for us, mostly Rick. He told Smith's he would let them know on the 26th. There were 3 possibilities and I felt that whichever one we chose things would work out. So I tried not to sway Rick's decision too much.

So that morning, in our prayer, we asked Heavenly Father to help Rick make the decision that Heavenly Father wanted him to make. I came to work that day with no idea how the day would end. Would Rick be spending more time teaching at Camp Williams, deploying in June to Iraq or managing the meat department at Smith's? I was at peace, again knowing the future was in Heavenly Father's Hands.

Rick called me about 10:30 that morning and said "I told them to go for it", meaning he chose to stay and go to work at Smith's. My reaction surprised me, I started to cry, I cried because I was happy and because I was relieved and mostly because our topsy-turvey life was settling down a little. He told me not to cry, he didn't like crying women, I said "well you like me", and he admitted that, yes, he did.

Yesterday, the 31st day of January 2011, Rick worked his first full day as the Meat Department Manager at Smith's and I think life is looking pretty darn good. Mom is improving, Rick will be home with us and when he gets over the shingles (yep the stress got to him) he will way happy too.

Like I said on Facebook this morning "February first, time to get moving. So many good things to enjoy".

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Happy, happy birthday to my cute best friend Renon.

Renon and I have worked together for 22 1/2 years, a lot of that time with our desks 3 feet. We've been together through Justin getting an F in "Mayor" Shirley's class, to Shawn getting an F this week. Both worked hard and made up the "F's". We've been together through her losing Maddie, getting and beating cancer, Rick being deployed to Iraq, Rick and Keith both experiencing career changes.

When we started with the City, Renon in October 1987 and me in March 1988, she was the executive secretary and I was the accounts payable/payroll clerk. Our desks were right by each other and we became friends very fast, even though I'm 10 years older than her. During our employment we have both been promoted, me to City Treasurer and Renon to City Recorder. We are back to working side by side, although a wall separates us, nothing else does. We've threatened to cut a hole in that wall numerous times.

We've gossiped, laughed, cried (sometimes a lot). We've shared the successes and failures in our lives. We go to lunch every Thursday, and have done for years. It used to be Renon, Alice, Jill, Michelle and I, but over the years Alice, Jill and Michelle moved and left us. Michelle has moved back and joins us occasionally for lunch on "our" Thursday. We are pretty protective of our Thursday lunch dates.

I was never blessed with a sister, but if I could chose one it would be Renon. She's my best friend and I know she is always only a phone call or text away.

Love you Renonine, happy birthday.

Happy New Year 2011

January 1, 2011, good day to reflect and contemplate the upcoming year. Rick and I know there are changes in store. For one thing he's changing jobs after 22 1/2 years. Fresh Market let their employees know on December 13th that the store would close the end of December. Merry Christmas to 60+ Fresh Market "family members". We have a couple of things in the works and we know that things will work out.

Usually by this time I have decided on changes I want to make in the new year. I'm non-committal right now. There's always the "get in shape" desire, "read my scriptures more" need, "be a better employee goal". Right now I'm not committing to anything very serious. One thing I'm committed to, a happy, healthy and positive 2011.

Oh, there is one other thing I have planned, well 2 actually. I will write in my journal more and I will blog more. Other than these things, well you'll be as surprised as I am.

Happy 2011 - bring it on!

Happy Thanksgiving 2010

I'm so very grateful today for many, many things and most of all many special people.

Good parents, Rick, Justin, Baxter, all the Bonzo's that spent time and effort to help make this Thanksgiving one of the best, and spending time here with us. Baxie loving the kids and being so patient and calm. A hot shower after cooking and cleaning most of the morning, Starbucks, Rick and Justin setting up all the tables and chairs for our dinner.

We had such an amazing day with Rick's family; Eric, Lisa and their family; Todd, Lorie and their family; Dayne, Cortney and their kids; David and Ione, Uncle Doug and our adopted Bonzo, Kristin. We missed Paul this year and Scott wasn't here either. We had a fabulous day, lots to eat and such good company. We enjoyed the company of 27 people today, what a blessing family is. Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? Celebrating family!!

Baxter says he's grateful for a a quiet house.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

The day before Thanksgiving, 11/24/10

1. Looking forward to Rick's awesome family coming for Thanksgiving, along with a good friend, Kristin.
2. The special feeling I have today of thankfulness and joy.
3. Sleeping in this morning - till 5:45. BUT no exercise today - not good.
4. Pizza Factory for lunch with my little mom and Justin.
5. Last day of work until 12/8/10, Vancouver here I come.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

1. Justin's company.
2. Spirit Fitness and my men.
3. Starbuck's.
4. Having an evening at home with my men.
5. Warm, flannel loungers.

Monday, November 22, 2010

1. Good workout with Rick AND Justin - YAY!!!
2. A good job with people I love and respect.
3. My cute little mom and her ALWAYS positive attitude.
4. Knowing Justin is home enjoying the day with Baxter.
5. Game night at Youth Corrections.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

1. Rick and Justin going to church with me. I wasn't alone today!
2. Cute little Bonnie Bringard, getting to take her home after church, with my men.
3. Sunday dinner at Grandma Cowan's.
4. Awesome nieces and nephews who let me share their children every Sunday night.
5. Snow - not the cold, but the snow was beautiful.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

1. VERY grateful that Justin and I talked last night, otherwise he would have been stranded at the Vegas airport for about 12 hours.
2. So very grateful for the blessing of being a mother.
3. A dependable car.
4. Washer and dryer, Justin has clean bedding.
5. Rick!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

1. TGIF - it's been a busy, crazy week. And it continues.........
2. Prilosec.
3. Justin coming tomorrow - YEA!!!
4. Beautiful November weather - at least for today.
5. Water.

Kind of weird gratitude's for today, but honest.

Happy 89th Birthday to my Cute Little Mom

So very grateful today for the many blessings of family.

1. My best friend, my little mom. Such a great example of enduring to the end - graciously. She's been without her sweetheart for over 25 years, and she still pushes forward.
2. Her example of love.
3. That I just recently realized where my argumentative nature comes from - HER.
4. That she forgives me when I'm short tempered with her, I would never hurt her feelings on purpose, but sometimes I act like a jerk.
5. That she's still here with us, loving us, leading us by her example and just being our little mom.

I love you mom, so glad I get to be with you and daddy forever!!!